by Emily Hechler 
Money is one of the most common sources of tension in a marriage, yet it’s rarely discussed openly until problems arise. Disagreements about money don’t need to end your relationship, but patterns can be signs of red flags and underlying issues. If you think you need to separate your finances in your marriage, consider these scenarios and the potential they have to undermine your trust and financial well-being.
Buried in Debt
Debt isn’t an enemy. I don’t know anyone that can pay for everything in cash. On average, Americans have over $18,000 in consumer debt, not including a mortgage. Debt is often the means to an end for many people at some point in their lives. Debt becomes an issue when you start to notice certain questionable behaviors. Here are a few examples.
- Sam opened a joint credit card with a $15,000 limit without consulting his spouse.
- Josh bought a $55,000 car with a $5,000 down payment when he and his wife were saving $20,000 for a $40,000 car.
- Amber cosigned for her sister’s mortgage while Amber and her husband agreed that now isn’t a good time for her to cosign.
Debt becomes dangerous in these situations because of the lack of communication between the couple. Changing plans with so much money at stake, like Amber, shows negligence toward her and her husband’s finances.
When working together, a loan or credit card can be the tool the couple needs to grow. Paying off a credit card in full every month is a great way to improve your credit history and score. Getting a car loan can make it possible to reliably commute to a steady job. Student loans are often necessary for certain degrees which lead to higher-paying salaries. The distinction between debt being positive or negative is whether the couple is transparent about the amount of debt and working together to manage it responsibly.
Secret Bank Accounts
Secret bank accounts are often warning signs of unhealthy spending habits. This doesn’t work when one partner wants to keep their finances separate while not paying for their agreed-upon amount. Secret bank accounts can also be formed by one spouse depositing a portion of their paycheck into an account the other can’t access without their knowledge. The main issue with secret accounts is in the name – secret. Intentionally hiding and limiting finances from the other partner without merit creates distrust.
To be clear, some couples decide that separate bank accounts work best for them because they both take responsibility for a portion of the bills. Many couples manage their money this way because it allows them to work together for large expenses that both parties benefit from. It also allows them to strive for individual goals independently of the other while staying financially responsible.
Unaligned Goals
Unaligned goals don’t necessarily create make-or-break situations. However, unaligned goals can cause issues when the couple disagrees on what should be a current priority versus a long-term goal. Here are a few examples of when unaligned goals can cause major strain on the relationship and finances.
- Steven wants to start saving $1,000 a month for a down payment on a condo, while Taylor wants to prioritize traveling with the same money instead.
- Julie wants to aggressively pay down their student loans with high interest rates but Devin thinks they should make the minimum payment for another few years.
- Kalli started saving for retirement before she met her husband Ricky, but Ricky wants to withdraw the funds in her Roth IRA and use it toward their next car.
Many couples disagree about how to spend or save their money. Even couples with strong marriages have different views on their priorities. Couples can work through their disagreements or compromise for a season. When my husband and I first got married, we disagreed on how to prioritize paying off our credit cards versus saving for a new car. After honest discussions and hard truths, we reached a compromise where we both felt empowered to work through the disagreement and meet our goals.
Gambling Addiction
Like any partnership, the other party doesn’t appreciate when they’re put at risk for your actions. This is especially true in marriage. Around 4% of Americans have an identified gambling issue. The gambling problem can be from in-person and online casinos, scratchers, sports betting, or other forms. While the portion of people is small and your spouse is statistically unlikely to have a gambling problem, the consequences of gambling problems can be devastating to a spouse and family. When an issue becomes an addiction, the individual isn’t capable of thinking through the problem clearly. This is dangerous with money on the line, as life savings can be lost very quickly.
If both partners agree about how their finances should be managed (and minimum payments can be met), gambling won’t be detrimental if done in moderation. Secret gambling, gambling with too much at stake, or addictive behavior are all signs that joint finances may need to be separated.
Financial Protection
Debt issues, secret accounts, unaligned goals, and gambling addictions are signs of potentially untrustworthy behavior. In these situations, it’s likely in your best interest to separate your finances from your spouse’s. This separation may be temporary if they can change their behavior and regain your trust. In other situations, this separation can be permanent and lead to divorce. No matter the situation, you’re protecting yourself and your dependents in more ways than one. While money isn’t everything, it does provide basic needs and opportunities for you and your family.
Remember, Alltru is here to help you and your family work through less-than-ideal financial situations. An appointment with a Certified Credit Union Financial Counselor can be the key to creating a plan to protect you and your finances.
